Darkness At Noon — How to Deal with Grief
Our loved ones are never meant to leave. They are always supposed to be around us. They give us reasons to wake up, work hard and thrive. They give us a reason to live. What if you wake up one day and they are gone? “Where?” You ask. What if they travel so far away never to come back? I know you hate the thought of it. So, do I, but what happens after death snatches the ones who mean the world to us?
Often, we are left broken, confused, angry and lost. The pain is unbearable. The days are longer, and the nights are cold and empty. You doubt whether you will ever get used to this.
3 years ago, Stacey was at the bus stop waiting to take the bus home. It was taking long so she decided to read the daily newspaper from her phone. On opening her phone, was a hundred and fourteen unread WhatsApp messages. This was rather unusual, so she opened the messages to see what all this communication was about.
She recalls everything that happened from the morning of that day with perfect clarity but her recollection of events after that moment are inconsistent.
One minute she opened her eyes, and she was on the ground with people trying to help her up, then everything went black. The next time she opened her eyes she was in a taxi with strangers……then black. She finally opened her eyes on a hospital bed with the nurse asking her if she was fine. How could she be fine? Her mum, her closest friend had passed on and she got to learn this from her funeral support group formed WhatsApp.
Whom would she call when she got home for the daily evening chat? What of all the plans they had made together for Christmas? Who would live in the house she was constructing for her? All these questions did not have an answer.
Stacey’s life changed since then. She went from denial, anger, bargaining and depression. This is the normal cycle of grief.
Every time Stacey walked, she felt as if she had a huge burden on her shoulders. Her feet were walking bare on burning coal. Her eyes were always swollen from crying. The crying didn’t help much because she felt like no one understood. The pain was immeasurable. The world was against her. The wind will always blow in the opposite direction, just to tease her. Everything felt wrong.
Then came the last phase of grief. Acceptance. This was the hardest thing that she learned.
One day Stacey was in the park laying on the grass with her eyes swollen from her prolonged crying. There, an old man passed by and told her that she could heal her pain whatever it is if only she shared. So, Stacey shared her story and after a short silence, the old man told her that healing would only be possible if she obeyed his command. “Go and bring me a mustard seed from any home which has never lost a loved one.” He ordered. Stacey thought of it as such a small price for such a big reward. She embarked on a journey in search of the mustard seed. Every home she set her foot in, there was grief story. After visiting several homes, she felt different and had learnt a lot. She was finally able to accept.
There were key points she learned about grief.
There is no set procedure for grieving — Grief is not predictable and does not follow a certain order. It is an emotional rollercoaster, with its highs and lows. Everyone grieves differently, so avoid telling your people what they are supposed to do or how to feel.
Grief may change behaviours — Sometimes you want to yell, other times you just want to be by yourself. Always allow people to behave the best way they know how without judging them.
Grief has no timeline — Most people reach the acceptance phase between 18–24 months, but for others, the grieving process may be longer or shorter. Don’t pressure your loved ones to move on or make them feel like they’ve been grieving too long. This can slow the healing process.
Emotions can kick in anytime — It could be in class, at work or in church. Emotions can overwhelm a grieving person anywhere. Let them cry it out without expecting them to behave in a certain manner.
Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.” — Unknown
